story-gallery.transmasc

I began to explore understanding how to feel more present in my body on a day to day basis.

The first time I could see my future as trans was when I was a young kid on the playground and then my early twenties. I didn't transition until my mid twenties.

I was closeted still and attending college. I had a biology-related course where my professor was transgender. My professor was the first openly transgender person I had met in my life. They had transitioned a little later in life but had continued onwards holding a wonderful career and genuinely just being an excellent mentor and teacher. It was a slow realization over the course of the two semesters I attended their class but I began truly making plans for my future instead of assuming I would succumb to my fairly serious depression and other mental health issues. It all finally became clear to me when I had transferred to a university and I decided to cut my hair and wear a binder for the first time. I put on my favorite shirt and cried when I finally saw myself and that I was going to make it.

A friend of mine was starting up a brand new tabletop RPG campaign and asked me if I wanted to be a part of it. I accepted and created my character: a young wizard who was just learning about the intricacies of the real world for the first time. I wrote on my character sheet that he was going to be trans male, and my friend, who was trans herself, expressed her excitement at meeting my character and seeing how I would play as him. Other friends who were part of the campaign took notice as well, and they supported me too. Roleplaying as my little wizard guy gave me the courage to finally come out and start living the life I wanted to live. I didn't have to just dream about being masculine and confident. I could be that in real life too.

For a long time I couldn't picture my future as a trans person. I was nearly 40 when I came out as trans (more than 20 years after my first journey out of the closet). I was an established government attorney. I had a wonderful partner and two young children and I didn't want to imagine the upheaval that such a transition would cause. It was overwhelming and seemed selfish to even consider. So for many years I fought to keep the subconscious knowledge of my identity from bubbling to the surface. It worked for a while—until I began my journey to become a better parent. To do so I had to know myself and love myself. How could I teach my children they were beautiful inside and out when I was staying up at night convincing myself to hide the part of me that others might not understand? For the first time I cautiously started to imagine the future I could have if only I took my own advice.

My first major opportunity transgender artist was at LA Pride and surpassed anything I had experienced before. Previously, I had only performed at small clubs, so playing to such a massive crowd was a completely new and exhilarating experience. As I stood on stage, I witnessed people genuinely connecting with the music I had crafted in my bedroom and the dance routine we had practiced in a parking lot. In that transformative moment, I realized that I wanted to aspire for more, not just for myself but for all trans masculine individuals. I understood the importance of breaking free from limiting beliefs and recognizing that we are capable of achieving remarkable things.

When I saw the logo I had created displayed on a gigantic 20 ft screen, memories of my childhood flooded my mind. I recalled the pain and struggles I endured during that period of my life. Reflecting on those challenging moments, I wished I could have shared with my younger self the incredible progress that has been made since then. In the past, we walked in darkness without any representation in the mainstream. But now, there are opportunities and visibility for individuals like us that we could only dream of back then.

When I was a kid, I longed for short hair. This was met with hesitation, but I got what I wanted a few times. Still, though, it didn't feel right. It took me years to figure out why.

The cuts were always styled for "girls"or "women."Even as a queer person that didn't fit me. Fast forward to 2018 - I had been questioning my gender identity when I took the plunge and made an appointment at a gender-inclusive salon. It's hard enough for me to find someone who can style my curly hair much less in a gender-affirming way but I lucked out big time. Looking in the mirror after the cut almost made me cry because for the first time I felt like myself. I later came across the term trans masculine which fit, well, to a T.

I was always corrected by my family for being too masculine. If I were born a boy I would have been the family's pride and joy. I left home at 16 (in the 1990s) and was able to live as my true self. It wasn't until the past decade that I even understood that there was a term for who I am. As I have immersed myself in the community I have become more comfortable with the label. There was no one "Aha! Moment" only a gradual growing into myself that enabled me to put aside my fears of gatekeepers and embrace who I am.

It was not until the invention of social media that I was exposed to the wide range of possible trans identities. I always thought that the only trans narrative was someone who always felt misaligned with their body from an early age- it wasn’t until I learned of non-binary identities that I could see a place for myself as a trans person.

I met this amazing singer, Lucas, and became obsessed with his videos. Videos of times before his transition, during his transition (before his voice changed), and after. And I could just not get him out of my mind. I thought, if he can do it, I can do it.

My gender journey was very difficult when it began - I was still a child when I realized something wasn't right. I hit puberty early and genetics did not do me well in the chest zone - it was like I was blindsided and betrayed by my own body. I spent most of my youth miserable trying to fit into boxes that didn't work for me and once I came out as a teenager having my transness doubted by the rigid standards of passing as male. I saw my future on two occasions - first in college once I was able to untangle myself from the shackles of binary gender and the roles attached. I realized that I had to fight for and be myself and what that looked like for me was not being a binary man but whatever felt right. The hardest part was recognizing that this is *my* body to change into what I want it to be not anyone else's to decide what is or isn't good enough. The second occasion was when I was finally recovering from top surgery just a year ago from writing this. That surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me - it honestly wasn't even an explosive beautiful moment of joy. It was just finally normal. Like the sun coming out after the longest rain shower.